IF ONLY I COULD WRITE A SONG

It's been awhile since my last note.

I am sitting here in my room and writing this notes hoping you will get to read it when you come back from work later and in case you are going online.

I sometimes write poems, and when i read them later, i realize they were about you.

You have inspired me to write more, to love more, to be more patient and to forgive.

all these years, i have never stopped thinking about you. you are always in the back of my mind. even if you didn’t feel the same, i know that i loved you.

This love I have for you – it’s hard to describe, yet easy to feel. It’s difficult to convey save for the actions of every day life. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you without making you uncomfortable or scaring you away.

I don’t love you because I need to be in a relationship, or because I’m lonely. I love you because of who you are… because you are the exact person I have been looking for. Because I love each moment I get to spend with you. Because to me you are so beautiful in every way possible! 

Because just the thought of you makes me happy. 

I didn’t expect to fall for you. It wasn’t love at first sight. But as we talked, things fell into place. Little by litte, the small bits that make you peaked my interest.

So many times I thought life is so unfair. I know there are reasons why we can't be together. Reasons that God only knows, but this will not be the reason for me to forget you. You really know how much I love you and care for you but there is nothing I can do more. Even though we're apart, this will not be the end of our communication. You are the best thing that ever happened in my whole, entire, damn life. 

.

Thank you also, for all the late night talks we had.

There was always some­thing about the way you listened that made me feel like the only per­son in the world. 

Do you know what it is like to look up into the velvet night sky, and yet not see the stars? Do you know what it is like to see the song birds sing their sweet music, and yet not hear their sound? Do you know what it is like to feel your heart inside you, and yet not feel it beat? Do you know what it is like to be in a crowd of people smiling, laughing, sharing their love together, and yet be all alone with no one around? Do you know what it is like when the light of your life has been extinguished, and you are left in absolute and complete darkness, frightened and alone? Do you know what it is like when the one you love so deeply and dearly is so far away? Your heart cries out their name and yet there is no reply.

Their absence brings with it frustration and sadness. You curse God that you cannot be with the one you love, and yet you thank him completely for bringing that person into your life, all the while knowing that no amount of dreams and hopes and prayers, can, at once, change the situation - the situation that is in the hands of the God that you curse.

To  love somebody truly who does not love you back is to die a little every day. 

How is it that love can be so wonderful, and yet hurt so badly?

So, what do you do in such times? How do you keep your wits about you? How do you maintain some semblance of normal life, when all you can do is think about is the person that you are so in love with and that you would do or give anything just to be with? You feel lost somewhere between the cruel reality of life, and the dream-like fairytale that you wish to live in, and the only salvation is to be found in the arms of your beloved and that cannot happen.

Friends cannot comfort your soul. Thoughts only make the pain in your heart worse. What do you do? You think about them -how you think about them endlessly! You pray to God for the strength to see it through this situation, knowing that someday you will be with that person forever. But is that enough? No. Not always. Until you are in their arms, nothing really helps.

The mind is a whirlwind as your thoughts are tossed around like matchsticks in the wind. But the one thought that is all constant and eats away at the core of my soul is a simple one: "When will I hear from you again? Will I ever hear from you again?" Such silly thoughts are these. But time can cause such thoughts to occur. It is only human. I am only human.

And so, I wait. For how long? Only time and God can tell. And as I wait it seems as though the hands of the clock move in reverse instead of forward. Each second that passes seems as an eternity away from you. Time takes you further away from me instead of bringing you closer, and time is something that is beyond our control.

To be an angel, and have wings that I may fly into your arms at this very second. To feel your warm embrace. To love you, to have the pain of needing you. 

there is an old saying that applies to being away from something. It goes, "Out of sight...out of mind." But, every "old saying" has an opposite meaning. In this old saying it is also said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and just when I think it is not possible to be more in love with you, a second ticks off the clock, and I discover that I am more in love with you then ever before.

I am listening to some loves songs. Although I don't understand the words because the songs are in Chinese, but I know that it is about love and that I like it a lot. Just like love, I really don't understand how it works but all I know is that the love I have for you is just like the Chinese songs I am listening to now. It really sounds so nice to me but I don't know what it means.  I know that my life is much happier when you're around me and that my life is filled with songs.

If I knew how to write a song, i’d write one everyday, it would say that I’m in love with you and why I feel this way.

I know how much I love you, if only I could write a song.

You’re my comfort when I’m lonely, you’re my peace when I need rest, of all the women I've known

I must rate you the best.

God bless

rean